As of today, I’ve hit submit on the applications to 5 different PA schools. There are at least a half-dozen more on my list I’d like to hit submit to, but probably won’t. I’ll explain why in a few.

But let me say, the first was the hardest. There are two reasons. The first is that it’s my first choice. I wanted to make sure everything was in order. I proofread everything multiple times and had at least two others review my submissions for content and for grammar errors. Once I felt those had been handled, I was ready.

Except, for the hardest part: I couldn’t be denied if I didn’t apply. I mean that is sort of obvious. But it’s true. Up until that point there was no way that school (or any) could say no. Sure, they also couldn’t say yes either. But the yes doesn’t really scare me and if I hear a yes, I can shout to the world “I’m accepted”. But the nos… those are hard to hear.

Years ago, when I was in college, before I really started dating I was afraid to ask a woman out on a date. I didn’t want to hear no. No would be soul-crushing. But then I realized that it also meant I’d never hear yes.

So, one day I screwed up my courage and asked a woman I was attracted to if perhaps I could make her dinner. And she said yes! I can’t recall the dinner, but I recall afterwards we ended up on the couch cuddling and falling asleep. Afterwards I walked her back to campus. I recall that in part because my contacts had dried out so much from napping in them that the streetlights appeared as sort of halos until the moisture returned.

That particular relationship didn’t last, but it did reinforce the lesson that to hear yes, you have to risk hearing no.

And so, I can’t hear yes from any PA school if I don’t risk hearing no, even from my primary choice.

After hitting submission on that first one, the next one that night was far easier. Then last night, I hit submit on three more.

Now, why do I hesitate on the rest? Well because in most cases they have a firm undergrad GPA requirement which I fail to meet by a wide margin. At least two I’ve emailed directly to confirm and have received a very clear response that the GPA requirement is a hard limit.

I’ve received a lot of support here and on Facebook in my quest and many have said, “Oh, don’t worry about your GPA, trust me, your life experiences will counter that.” And for the five I’ve applied to, I hope and expect that’s true. But for the others, I’m less sure, especially the ones that have replied to my email inquiries.

That said, this is actually another reason I didn’t want to hear no. I’ve got such a huge crowd of cheerleaders that I don’t want to disappoint them or even honestly face them if every school says no. While I appreciate the support, and at times I need it, I also fear at the end of the day it may all be for naught and I’ll feel guilty for raising their hopes.

But that’s a problem that may not arise, and if it does, is for another day.

So for now, I keep looking and considering what the next schools I will apply to.

In the meantime, I will risk the nos, while hoping for the yes.