For over two years I’ve been wanting to put together a speaking topic using the above as a title or as a subtitle. The reason is because the alternative, #NotAllMen is NOT a good thing to use.

Yesterday I came across an article that said it better than I could. I would recommend you read it first: Buzzfeed Article.

It brings up several great points, including ones I had not given much thought to. Look, I know when a friend of yours is upset that a guy just made a pass at her in a professional setting, one of your first instincts is to think “I’d never do that” and are tempted to say “#notallmen” you’re not being helpful. In fact, you’ve just made it about yourself. Just don’t. That’s not what is needed.

Look, I’m pretty confident that all my male readers are pretty decent guys. I work with many of you professionally, some of you in volunteer positions, some are simply friends, and some readers, I suspect I don’t know, but you’re probably ok too. None of you are outright sexist or racist. If you were, I wouldn’t be associating with you. But all of us are still a product of our environments. We make the off-handed comment without thinking about it. Or someone around us makes a comment and we don’t react. This is also why I suggest when it comes to calling yourself an ally, just don’t.

Several years ago I helped organize and then participated in a Women in Tech panel for our local SQL Server User Group. I was the only man on the panel and expected to be asked what was the best thing I thought we, as men could do. The answer was of course somewhat ironic: “Sit down and shut up.” I of course expanded upon this. No, we can’t nor should we ever completely shut up. That wasn’t my point of course. My point was to make sure not to center the discussion about us. When a friend complains about a sexist incident, replying #NotAllMen is doing just that. Centering the discussion on us. Sorry, that’s a time to shut up and listen.

But when others make sexist comments, that’s a time when it may be appropriate to say something. And if someone calls you out, take it in stride. We make mistakes. And if someone takes you aside and says something (I’ve now heard that called a “call-in”) thank them. It means they think well enough of you to help you be a better person.

At the end of the day guys, we’re all still part of the problem, even when we do our best. That doesn’t make us evil. It simply means we have space to grow into. Let’s do that. Let’s grow.