Note, I started this about two months ago and only posting now, hence “yesterday”.

Yesterday I read that the National Park Service website for the Stonewall National Monument no longer references transgenderism or queerness and any references LGBT+ only reference LGB.

This is erasure plain and simple. Trans-women such as Marsha P. Johnson were a big part of the Stonewall riots.

In any case, this erasure is a good lead-in to a topic I’ve been wanting to blog about for awhile: sexual and gender identity

I’m going to touch on sexual identity first. This is in some ways the easiest to address from a purely factual point of view. There are plenty of posts elsewhere, such on Facebook that cover it, so I’ll keep this short. What you were taught in high school biology about sex being binary was a gross oversimplification. The whole XX=Female and XY=Male is not that simple.

The key words used here in a scientific sense are genotype and phenotype. Genotype is basically what genes you have, and phenotype is what you “see”. A classic example is eye color. If you have brown eyes, you may have both genes for brown eyes, or one each of the genes for brown and blue eyes. Brown “wins out” here. It’s the dominant gene. But if you have blue eyes, except in some very edge cases, both your genes for eye color will be blue. So if you see someone with brown eyes (phenotype) they could have both genes for brown eyes or one gene for brown eyes and one for blue eyes (genotype). There’s no way to tell without actually looking at their genes.

In a similar fashion, sexual characteristics have both a genotype and phenotype. Typically if you have XX chromosomes, as an adult, you will develop breasts, have a uterus, have gametes in the form of eggs and be capable of carrying a fetus. And if you have XY chromosomes as you mature, you will tend to grow more body hair, produce sperm gametes and not be able of carrying a fetus.

But Mother Nature is never that simple. It’s fully possible to develop characteristics where one appears to be male, but have only XX chromosomes. Or appear to be female and have XY chromosomes. Things can get very complex very quickly, including XO (no second sex chromosome) XXY, XYY, and more. (the only combination that doesn’t work is YO. There’s simply too many genes on the X chromosome that are required).

Anyway, the point is, sex is NOT binary and short of looking at someone’s genotype (which most of us will never do) it’s basically impossible to say what’s going on at the chromosomal level.

Ok, enough about sex. There’s plenty of better posts on the topic.

Now I want to talk about gender, or at least gender identity.

I’ll start with saying that the scientific consensus on this is a bit less clear-cut. And for that reason and others I’m not really going to go down a deep hole based on facts. Rather I want to take a different approach.

I’m going to start by saying I identify as a cis-male. Some people seem to think that cis is meant as an insult. It’s not. In the field of science, cis and trans basically mean “on this side” and “on the opposite side” or “across”. Think about terms like “trans-Atlantic flight. It simply means flying across the Atlantic or to the opposite side. You don’t hear the prefix cis used as much, but one example in recent memory would be the term cislunar flight, from the Apollo missions. Often times in science one might skip using the prefix cis and assume that as the default and only use trans to highlight something that’s not cis.

So I could say simply “I identify as male” and that would be accurate, but adding the prefix cis makes it a bit more accurate. In this case my gender identity matches my phenotypical (and as far as I know genotypical) sex.

That said, if you still think that transgender isn’t a thing, or it’s somehow “wrong” or “evil” or “sick” I want you to do a thought experiment with me. I’m going to start with the assumption if you feel that way, you do not identify as trans. As started above that makes you cis.

Since I’m male I’m going to center this on male identify, but the exercise can work as well for a female.

“What makes me male?” It’s really a simple question. Right? I mean I could answer, “well I have XY chromosomes. But as illustrated above, that MIGHT not be true. (Though given the fact that I’m a biological father to both a man and woman tends to suggest it’s very likely to be true.) So let’s go a bit beyond that.

Why do *I* think I’m male. The more I think about it, the harder it is to answer.

Is it because I have a penis? Perhaps. But let’s say I was in a tragic accident and I lost that? Would I stop being male?

Is it because I grow hair on my chest? Perhaps. But if I shave it, do I somehow stop being male? Or if I lose it due to cancer or some other disease do I stop being male? Perhaps it’s fact that I don’t have breasts? Perhaps it’s muscle mass? But the truth is, as I’m growing older, I’m losing muscle mass. Does that mean I’m losing my maleness? What if I meet a woman who is similar in age to me and she has more muscle mass? Is she somehow more male than I am?

Hopefully you can see where I’m going with this. I can’t rely on any specific physical appearance to unequivocally state that I’m male.

Perhaps on certain actions? Long hair? Women in general are more likely then men to grow their hair longer. But that’s strictly cultural. And as someone who spotted a rat-tail or pony-tail or some sort of long hair for well over a decade, I don’t think that made me feel less male or somehow more female.

Perhaps it’s makeup? Well in some cultures, men very commonly wear make up (ancient Egypt for example).

Or is it shoes? I mean I’ll admit a woman in heels will make my head turn. But again, heel wearing is strictly cultural and in fact some of the earliest heels were worn by men, not women.

Many of the outward appearance we attribute to men or women are strictly cultural, not some innate part of the gender.

So, a few years ago, after giving this a lot of thought, I realized I couldn’t come up with a good set of criteria that clearly defined me as male. Now it’s possible I’m simply not creative enough to come up with a set of unambiguous criteria, but from talking to many others and giving it a lot of thought, I’m pretty convinced there’s no such list.

Ultimately like like Justice Potter Stewart’s famous quote about porn “I know it when I see it” I know I’m a man.

Just you as a reader probably deep down simply know, that you’re a man or a woman. You might not be able to articulate exactly why you know that, but you simply know that.

Now I want you to put yourself in a place of a transgender woman or transgender man. Deep down, just as strongly as you feel about your gender identity, they feel the same about theirs. The main difference is that their phenotype (appearance) simply doesn’t match what the feel deep down.

That’s really what it comes down to. It’s not a desire to sneak into a bathroom and perv on others. It’s not a desire to “mutilate” anyone. It’s simply (well partly not entirely simple) a desire to be able to express outwardly what one feels internally.

My original plan after the Grand Canyon was to head to Zion for the day and then over to Bryce where there was available camping, Zion already being full. As my previous post notes, I decided to take an extra night and check out Hoover Dam and stay at a nearby campground. The plan then was the next day to head over to Zion and then Bryce.

Waking up though I had the wisdom to take  advantage of the device we call a cell phone but is so much more, to check the weather. Both parks are further north than Grand and also at higher elevations, so I expected them to be cooler. I was right. However, there was also apparently a band of cold weather moving through. Though I had brought lots of warm clothing I wasn’t looking forward to heading into the cold.

I zoomed out on the map on my phone and realized Death Valley was only a couple of hours away. And it’s been on my list of places to visit for much of my life. A quick check of the weather confirmed it would be much warmer. Easy decision. I headed west. The only concern was again camping since all sites were listed “First Come, First Served” but there were quite a few listed and Death Valley is not nearly as popular as the Grand Canyon. So I wasn’t too worried.

Much of the drive was along desert highways with few facilities along the way. I filled up again outside of Vegas, even though I still had over a ½ tank just out of an abundance of precaution. In Pahrump I stopped by a Walmart and loaded up on some food. More backroads later I saw a sign: Sea Level. By itself this might not be notable, but beyond it was a valley, clearly below sea level. I was there. I had made Death Valley.

I got to the campground and managed to find a beautiful site. At first I thought it was occupied because the receipt on the post was still there, but I confirmed it was an old one. It was this site or one 2 sites over which as basically a bare open sandy spot with no trees. I would have been fine with that, but this one had what I can only describe as a bower of trees bent over a nice pine filled flat circle. Ideal for a tent if I wanted to set mine up, or for simply my pad and sleeping bag.

After claiming the site and talking to a ranger I set out. First I checked out an old borax mining camp just a few miles away. Then I headed about 20 miles south to Badwater. This is where I reached a new low in my life. A low of 282 feet below sea level. This is the lower point in North America. And to be honest, I only new a couple of other Americans who have been lower than this and they’ve only done it in steel cans designed to sink (and later rise, a very important design criteria!) I walked out among the salt flats, and yes, I did actually taste some (for science, of course) and even dipped my finger in one of the tiny pools that dotted the flats. Not surprisingly the water was briny, but there is water that seeps up there.

From Badwater I worked my way back a long the road towards the campground. Several different stops and one 2 mile round trip hike and I had seen and walked a lot of Death Valley.

After dinner (and posting my Day 7 post) I walked over to the Visitor Center for a Night Sky presentation put on my Ranger Julianna. It was well attended and I finally learned a few new stars.

After that I made plans for bed. It was VERY windy at this point. It had been most of the day. I honestly saw no point in setting up a tent, even in the nice bower, because I’d have listened to it flap all day. And simply sleeping in my bag on my ground pad, while I’d have been warm enough, again the wind would have annoyed me. So, it turns out as beautiful as my site was, I didn’t take advantage of it. Instead I planned on sleeping in the car like I have been most nights. Though these nights, when my goal isn’t driving, it’s stretched out in back on the ground pad in a nice comfortable position.

Just as I was about to retire, a small camper van rolled up and one of the passengers asked me how they could find a campsite. I explained by now they were probably all full, definitely the ones in this area where. I gave them my copy of the campground map and wished them luck. As they drove off, I realized I could have split my site with them. I didn’t care. It was late, I was going to bed. I could have recouped some of the cost. Oh well.

In the middle of the night I woke up to use the bathroom. The sky was brilliant as ever and the wind had stopped. I decided to compromise a bit and pulled the pad and bag out of the car and put them on the sleeping table. This gave me great view of the sky to fall asleep by. And I did. And I woke  up to a beautiful dawn.

So I have reached a new low point and walked the Valley of Death and I’m pretty content.

As I had stated earlier, one of my goals was to get an early start from Havasupai Gardens. Ideally I wanted to get to the Rim before there was too much Sun. But also, if possible I wanted to get some moonlight hiking in. I sort of failed at one and barely achieved the other.

I mentioned in the previous post that I had some reading. I had brought a magazine with me (lightweight and I was behind on it). But while wandering the camp I found box marked “Havasupai Gardens Book Return” I later found the “library” for said book. Inside the box there was a copy of Over the Edge: Death in the Canyon. I had seen it at the bookstore on the Rim, but hadn’t bought at the time (since rectified). This provided the basis of my reading material for most of the afternoon and evening. Each chapter breaks down deaths in the Canyon by cause, such as Falls from the Edge, Falls in the Canyon, etc. Of course the last chapter I read focused on hyperthermia and other environmental causes. At the end of each chapter is a table of all known deaths that fit in that chapter’s topic. This was grim reading, especially when one noted the number of middle-aged men suffering from heat exhaustion or exercise induced cardiac arrest. Need I remind the reader that I’m a middle-aged man. As a side note, environmental related deaths is one of the few metrics where middle-aged men approach the numbers of young men (late teens/early twenties) that tend to represent most other deaths.

Let’s just saying falling asleep, my mind was churning a bit. I wasn’t really too worried, given the trail, lots of water, lots of people (more about that in a bit) and I’m not THAT out of shape, and I know what to look for. But still, the irony would have sucked if I didn’t make it.

Generally when I’m camping, even car-camping like much of this trip, I tend to go to bed soon after the Sun goes down. Even with a good headlamp, there seems little point in staying awake to do stuff. As a result, even with the above on my mind, I was probably asleep by 9:00 PM if not earlier.

Between napping in the afternoon, an early bedtime and a full bladder this meant I woke up at just after Midnight. Or so I thought. I saw some moonlight on the Canyon wall to my west. I debated going back to sleep or starting out. Starting out won. I packed my bag and then took out my phone to take a few pictures (that’s a phrase that would confuse folks a generation or two ago!) That’s when I remembered my watch was still on Mountain Daylight Time. Arizona however is on Mountain Standard Time year-round. I had gotten up an hour earlier than I thought. Since I was too lazy to unpack my sleeping bag to go back to bed, I set out for the Rim at 11:45 on the 15^th. I was confident I’d avoid the Sun entirely. So did I fail at avoiding it before there was TOO much Sun? I suppose that’s a semantics question between “too much” and “entirely”. In fact, I figured at 4.5 miles, if I got out in four and a half hours, I’d be content. So I set out. With my trusty headlamp. I knew I had plenty of battery, but even if I didn’t worst case, I simply wait for the Moon to come up more, or the Sun to come up more. Either way I was set.

My first goal was the 3-Mile Resthouse. There’s shade here when needed and water. At some future point I’ll relate two incidents that occurred to Randi and I when we where here 29 years ago. This was 1.5 miles away. On the way I did come across a big Cat in the Canyon. But I was safe.

I managed to make the 3-Mile Resthouse by 12:37. I had covered 1.5 miles in under an hour. I was making better time than I had hoped. But the steepest part was yet to come.

And sadly, the Moon had not peeked over the Rim yet. I could see walls of the Canyon bright with moonlight, but no direct moonlight in my path. I had left too early for that it appears. I also had not yet encountered any other hikers. It was really early so I really didn’t expect to, but anyone who has hiked this during the day knows exactly how crowded this section of trail can be. And it normally only gets more crowded the further up you go because so many day hikers (smartly) only hike part way down.

I set out for the 1.5-Mile Resthouse. I was plodding along, a bit out of breath, but feeling I was making decent enough time. I stopped for photos and a few rests. At one point I looked at my watch and said to myself, “Ok, in about 15-20 minutes I should hit the 1.5-Mile Resthouse.”

Not 30 seconds later at a switchback I saw a sign for “Toilet”. I was very confused because I didn’t recall any such facility between the two resthouses. I made my way up the switchback I saw a water faucet and a 911 Emergency Phone. I was really confused now.  Then it hit me, I was much further ahead than I expected. I hit the 1.5-Mile Resthouse at 1:50 AM. I was making great time. But knew I was going to face a new problem at the Rim. I’d get up there well before dawn and well before the hiker shuttle from the Backcountry Office would leave at a little after 6:00AM to take me back to my car. I tried to nap a bit here and had almost dozed off when I heard something moving around. At first I thought it was another hiker. But after turning on my headlamp, saw a small canyon mouse interested in my backpack. Fortunately everything was sealed, but still decided I’d best move on. So I set out.

I still had not encountered another single hiker. Now I was a bit surprised since I figured at the very least I’d encounter an early-bird overnighter heading out. But I did finally encounter some actual moonlit trail and was able to turn off my headlamp. For about 1 minute. Then I was back into the Rim shadow. I did encounter a few more patches of moonlit path, but that was it. I had left too early to really catch much direct moonlight.

I made the Rim by 3:28. (By the way, I’m not normally so anal about time keeping, but I have tagged photographs that are helping me recall the exact times). I had made the 4.5 mile hike up and out in under 4 hours. That included time for photos and a good 10 minute or so rest at the 1.5-Mile Resthouse.

I also achieved something I suspect very few hikers have done. I did the entire uphill climb from Havasupai Gardens to the Rim without encountering a single other hiker! That alone is a remarkable achievement I think.

But now I had a problem. My car. I looked at some signs and realized I could hike the 4.5 or so miles to my car, or I could wait for the shuttle. I opted to wait. Fortunately I had brought a lot of extra warm gear in my pack in case it was colder overnight than it turned out to be. I put it all on. I then called my mom for her birthday while standing outside the Backcountry Office. Then I waited. And sometimes shivered. And sometimes did some exercise. And shivered. I guess I didn’t need to worry about heat or exercise induced cardiac arrest after all!

Finally a little after 6:00 the shuttle arrived and took me and several other hikers to the South Kaibab trailhead. I then had to double back to my car. My hike was over a little over 24 hours after setting out. It was good.

But it was also 6:45 AM. I had an entire day ahead of me. Going with the “I have nothing really scheduled” I decided I’d stay another night. So I got in line for the “First Come First Served” reservations at around 7:30. It didn’t open until 8:00. So more waiting. But after talking to folks, I came up with a solution on where to spend the next night, a place called Las Vegas Bay Campground. It’s a National Park Service Campground in the Lake Mead Recreational Area. It meant I could see Hoover Dam at my leisure and not worry about finding a spot to camp that night.

After securing a camping spot I set out to do laundry and shower (showers cost $2.50 for 5 minutes, bring quarters!). This was my first chance to do laundry or shower the entire trip. It was well earned.

After being delayed by the panic of a lost wallet, I headed to a talk on the geology of the Canyon given by one of the Rangers. I was late, but it was well worth it and was able to ask her a few questions and gain some knowledge. It was soon after this that I realized that I had DEFINITELY misplaced my ballcap. Now, sentimentally, it really means nothing to me. I have some that do. This one was simply a vendor one given to me by Microsoft. So in that light, no great loss. However, I use it to keep the Sun off my head and out of my eyes. While later shopping for gifts (and the aforementioned book) I picked up a buff to wear. But I still wanted my hat.

After attending another talk my a ranger, this time on wildlife in the Canyon (she loved it when I showed her the picture of the pink rattlesnake) I tried to pin down where I could have lost it. I checked that I had not left it on the Hiker Shuttle (and I know I had it before I boarded since I had taken it and put it into a pack pocket). So I figured I must have lost it after disembarking from the Shuttle and hiking back to my car. So, another ride on a shuttle bus out to South Kaibab. I figured if nothing else, I’d get some more walking in along the rim. I expected to have really no luck finding it. But not 100 yards into the walk back, along the game trail I had taken I spotted it! I had it back.

So I hiked over to the viewpoint (which the name of is escaping me) and took some pictures and then caught the shuttle back to the Visitor Center. By now it was almost 5:00 PM and definitely getting cool again. A wiser man would have simply headed back to his campsite and made dinner. Not me, I swapped to the village shuttle and then got off at the eastern end of Grand Canyon Village and proceeded to check out some of buildings and hike along the Rim. I ended back up at the Bright Angel trailhead. This time it definitely was teeming with hikers!

I finally took the village shuttle back to the Mather Campground stop. I got off, walked back to my campsite and finally made dinner around 7:30 or so. (no photos, so no exact time).

After that, I was off to bed. It was a long day. In addition to my hike out, I estimate I did another 3-4 miles on the Rim. I will say my calves were tight and sore! But so worth it.

I’m already thinking about my next hike in the Canyon.

I’ll admit my plans for hiking the Grand Canyon wasn’t too original. It was going to be the same hike I had done before: Down the South Kaibab, stay at Bright Angel Campground, hike ½-way out on the Bright Angel trail to Havasu (formerly Indian) Gardens, spend a night and then the last day out.

And I’ll admit I had some reservations. Well a few. Not reservations for permits to do the hike, which is a good thing with how much my schedule has changed. But reservations about if I COULD do the hike. I’m not as young as I once was and I’m not as in much shape as I’d like to be.  And of course, perhaps it was time to do something different. But, sometimes when playing it by ear, it’s easier to fall back on what you know.

Well, turns out it didn’t matter. The segment of the Bright Angel trail from the river up to Havasu Gardens is closed. So, with a change in plans I decided to still hike down the South Kaibab trail, across the Tonto Plateau and then spend just one night in the Canyon. It won’t be quite the same as reaching the Vishnu Schist and seeing the Colorado River up close, but it’ll be good enough to get the experience I want. I always joke about the scene in National Lampoon’s Family Vacation where Chevy Chase’s character stands at the Rim by one of the hotels, looks at it for about 5 minutes and then gets in the car and they leave. Many do close to that. Some are pressed for time. Some have been here before. Some will come back. But I do think if one has the opportunity to get below the Rim, even if it’s just down one of the trails for a mile, I think they should. The experience of being in the Canyon is very different from standing on the Rim. I’m not sure how to describe it, but it’s more visceral, more real. You feel both isolated from the outside world, but also more part of the world itself. There’s far less hustle and bustle. It’s quieter, but full of sound.

Having made my hiking plans I realized I had to make plans for tonight. Fortunately I was able to snag one of the few remaining campsites in Mather Campground. Ironically, it was right next to the one I had last night.

After that I headed out. Since I really had no plans, I decided to heed Horace Greeley’s advice and go West. I had never been west of the Grand Canyon Village so decided to head out to Hermit’s Rest and see how far I got. I walked most of, but did catch the shuttle to cut out two segments and then road the shuttle home. I am so glad I did. I had never seen that part of the Canyon before and there are some magnificent views. I think perhaps next time I’ll try to do a hike down to Hermit’s Rest. Taking the Rim trail west reminded me that no one has truly seen the Grand Canyon. They see slices. Some have seen more slices than others, but ultimately it’s truly impossible to see the entire thing.

Tonight I rest before my hike tomorrow. I know where I’m sleeping tomorrow night. The night after that is still up in the air.

That said, tomorrow’s post will obviously be delayed at least one day.

Note: Pictures will be added later, right now tight on bandwidth.

If all goes as “planned”, sometime this afternoon I’ll hop in the Subaru and head “west”.

Why the scare quotes and what is the plan?

Well the plan is sort of no plan. I have some goals, but not a strict schedule. This includes even when I’m leaving.

But let me back up a bit.

I’ve kept mum for various reasons, but now I’ll give the details on the PA program I accepted an offer to attend. I’m proud to say that on May 27th, I will be starting my orientation with my fellow PA-S1 (that’s the lingo for first year PA students) at the Christiana Delaware campus of Arcadia University. I already met a few of them at the open house a few months ago, but on the 27th I’ll meet the rest. On 28th, we buckle down and start classes. I mention specifically the Christiana campus because Arcadia is one of the few (may be only) schools to run to simultaneous programs in a parallel manner. The other cohort of PA-S1s will be at the main campus in Glenside, PA (outside of Philadelphia).

Now, the savvy reader who is hip to their geography have probably figured out that I won’t be easily commuting on a daily basis between Delaware and upstate New York. The solution is that I’ll be renting a place for most of the duration of my time in PA school. This is an unfortunate added expense to deal with. So, one of the things I have planned before the 27th is to sign a lease (I have an apartment complex picked out already).

So what to do between now and then?

The biggest step was putting in notice with my current employer; Albany Medical Center. May 8th will be my last official shift as a full-time equivalent. I am looking to continue in a position where I’ll be able to pick up a few shifts over my rare breaks but that’s just to keep my skills sharp and for the enjoyment of it.

In the meantime, I’ve decided to take a bunch of my banked vacation days and travel a bit.

The original plan was to start yesterday morning right after my shift. A delay in my car repairs and because they really needed techs last night, I moved my start to later today (after I pick up the car and pack it.) The goal, to see some of the country, visit some national parks, hike, relax, etc.

Those who know me well would understand when I say that at times I can be a control freak, even over myself (perhaps a better way might be “self-disciplined”?) If I set a goal, I do my best to meet it, or often to exceed it. This can be good if I’m setting a goal to study or exercise. But it can also add stress when I’m attempting to reach a goal I set for no specific reason.

As I planned my trip, I initially set out specific goals for each day’s travels etc. Very quickly I realized how unappealing that was becoming and how rigid it would be (as shown by the fact that I’ll already be leaving probably 32 hours behind schedule!)

So I decided, since my next 2 years will be rigorously scheduled for the most part to turn my vacation into a loose set of goals with a loose timeline.

The biggest goal, get to the Grand Canyon and ideally do an overnight or two in it. And visit Bryce and Zion canyons.

After that, we’ll see. I’ll probably head north, but who knows how far. I’ll probably check out a few more national parks. Eventually I’ll have to head back east in order to make my May 1st scheduled PA shift. So how long will I spend “out west”. We’ll see.

I’ll post updates as I see fit. But no promises. Again I want to relax for a change.