Author Archives: Greg Moore

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About Greg Moore

Founder and owner of Green Mountain Software, a consulting firm based in the Capital District of New York focusing on SQL Server. Formerly, a consulting DBA ("and other duties as assigned") by day, and sometimes night, and caver by night (and sometimes day). Now, a PA student working to add PA-C after my name so I can work as a Physician Assistant. When I'm not in front of a computer or with my family I'm often out hiking, biking, caving or teaching cave rescue skills.

Two down…

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A couple of hours ago I finished taking my Medical Comprehensive Exam for the second semester. It was a doozy. But I passed. Technically I have a paper, that was submitted to two different classes, that I’m waiting for grades on, but mathematically it won’t change my GPA. So, that means this semester is in the books.

I go back and forth on talking about my GPA and individual grades in this blog. There’s several reasons. I don’t think there’s much purpose served by bragging about a particular grade, especially because the next exam could go in the other direction. On the other hand, I do hope folks thinking about applying to PA school end up reading my blog and I think it’s important to have some transparency.

So in interests of transparency, my GPA this semester is a 3.0. Last semester was a 3.3. To progress forward, one needs a minimum of a 2.7. So I’ve got that covered. (And even then, if that happens, they have a remediation step.) However, going into the last few weeks, I was in the solid 3.3 territory. So what happened?

Here’s where I want to be very transparent. The last few weeks have been difficult for me. Thanksgiving break couldn’t have come at a better time. I was burnt out and needed a change. Picking up a few shifts in the ER had a big benefit on my mental health. But the last two weeks still got to me. I had a pharmacology exam which I did about as well as I had hoped on, but it definitely pulled down my grade. Pharmacology is simply a hard subject for me. I have one more semester of it. I’m going to struggle, but I’ll make it happen somehow. This is probably what dragged down my GPA the most.

But what nearly broke me is what happened on my birthday. I had an exam in a class called Diagnostics and Clinical Procedures. Going into the exam I had a 90.97 average. This one I knew would be tougher. I thought I was prepared. Then that afternoon I got my grade back. 66%. A failure. This requires a remediation meeting with a course director. This brought my course grade down to an 83.11. That was a huge drop. This is what really dropped my GPA from a solid 3.3 territory into the 3.0 territory. A couple of my professors and mentors had warned me in the past that “everyone fails at least one exam.” I was confident going into this one that this wouldn’t happen. Well, it did. It was devasting. I really lost my mojo.

That didn’t help considering I had the Med Comp exam coming up this morning. Now, the truth is, even with that failed exam, I knew I was safe from failing out. I had enough of a GPA to guarantee at least a 2.7 no matter how I did on the Med exam. But obviously I wanted more. But I will admit that I was on the edge a nervous breakdown. I was in a tough place mentally, questioning my self-worth, my abilities, and even if PA school was meant for me.

Wednesday night was very rough for me. I’ll admit that I thought about just tossing it in. PA school has beaten many. We’ve already had at least two students in our cohort who have left the program this year. At least in my case, I could fall back on being an ED Tech or going back into IT. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I make far better money in IT. And have far better hours. So quitting wouldn’t be the end of the world.

I write the above, not for sympathy, but for any potential (or current) PA students who are reading this. I want you to know, if you feel this way, it’s ok. You’re ok. Sometimes PA school can just break you that much. Sometimes you hit a limit. It’s ok. We’re all human. This is something I have to remind myself of time to time. I had people to reach out. If things didn’t improve, I even considered talking to my university’s counseling center (even though my campus is remote and I wouldn’t do much in person.)

I also reminded myself of one of my best friends. Back in our undergrad days he had a GPA of 4.0 for the first few semesters. He was acing everything. And then… the first none 4.0. He admitted it hurt. But also told me something that I found interesting. It was freeing. Since perfection was no longer a possibility, he could relax a bit. He’s still one of the smartest people I know; a polymath even. And he’s gentle, kind, and a wonderful person. He’s more than his GPA would ever show.

My remediation session with the course coordinator went well and ironically, afterwards I realized I was glad I had failed the text rather than just barely passing. A failed test requires remediation. Just barely passing makes it optional. Had it been optional, I honestly doubt I’d have gone to it. But by going to it, three things happened. The first was, I learned where I had a fundamental misunderstanding of a couple of concepts. Yes, a few answers I had just remembered the wrong thing, or put down the wrong answer. But on a couple of concepts, I had a fundamental misunderstanding that we were able to correct. So the failure actually helped me learn and improve.

The second thing was I decided to walk over to campus and back. I almost regretted the decision, given how chilly it was with the windchill, but I’ve found being outside like that helps my mood. Simply getting out of the apartment did help, but combining that with over a mile walk in each direction is what really made a difference.

Finally, there’s a new noodle and dumpling place on the way that I decided to try. I got some pork and vege (sic) dumplings in spicy peanut sauce. They were AMAZING. Some good food goes a long ways to improving ones mood.

So all that helped me to improve my mood. I can safely say I’m not in that place now. I’m content. I’m relaxed. I have three weeks to spend with friends and family. Three weeks to recharge my batteries.

Three other things have also helped.

  • Friends and family. You know who you are, the ones who take my panicked texts and reassure me. The ones who give me kind words of support or care packages. They mean a lot to me. More than you can possibly imagine. Knowing I had people in my corner made a huge difference.
  • The confidence my professors have expressed in me. I trust them. They’ve helped a lot of students become PAs. If they think I can do it, then they must be on to something.
  • Finally a bit of a humble-brag. Without going into details, but an incident at work where the attending later told the Charge Nurse, “thank God Greg was in the room.”

So the semester is over. I survived. I’m two-thirds of the way through my didactic year. This semester was 25 credits. Next semester is another 25 credits. I won’t be easy. But after that, are clinicals. I look forward to that. The testing doesn’t stop for awhile, but I’m getting there.

So the takeaway, especially for fellow PA students or potential ones: yes, it can get tough. But you can survive. Make time for yourself. And don’t let any single setback put you off. We all have our good days and bad days. Wednesday was a bad day for me. Today is a much better day.

The End is Nigh!

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I really should be studying. And after this and a bite of lunch, I’ll be back at it. But I need to get out of my own head for a bit. My second semester of PA school is nearly done. I have one paper to submit to two classes (it gets judged separately in both classes) and then two exams. One is a comprehensive final. Oh and some dang fool volunteered to help develop the slide deck for the comprehensive final and lead the study session for that final. Perhaps not my smartest move from a time management point of view, but it does go with my goal of trying to help others. At least I hope my classmates get something out of the study sessions.

What’s on my mind right now, besides cramming some last bits of information into my brain, or at least working to remember what I already learned earlier this semester is my overall GPA. I shouldn’t, but I do. Here’s the deal. I’ve probably mentioned we need a 2.7 or better to progress on in the program. Barring some sort of catastrophe, that’s not an issue. I’ll clear that bar. My first semester GPA was 3.3. I had hoped for a 3.7 (or even a 4.0) but it was quickly clear that that wasn’t going to happen. That said, a 3.3 isn’t to bad. It’s a whole point higher than my overall undergrad GPA. And assuming I continue my trends in the remaining tests and paper, I’ll solidly hit that. (note my program only measures ranges in GPA, <2.7, 2.7, 3.0, 3.3, 3.7, 4.0, hence my fixation on those particular numbers.) A 3.0 still isn’t impossible, but I don’t think I’ll do that poorly. But honestly, even if I do, I’m not going to lose too much sleep over it. Our professors continually tell us as long as we’re getting 80s and above, we’ll pass the PANCE and that’s all that matters. So, I’m good in theory.

Ok, I haven’t gotten out of my head obviously, but let me get away from numbers a bit and talk about the actual classes.

Medicine 1 – This is the meat of the semester. 8 out of 25 credits. I’ve generally enjoyed this. This is obviously a huge part of what we’ll do as PAs. I was doing great until my last exam. Basically I fell about two days behind in terms of studying. But that’s on me. I wouldn’t say the class is difficult per se, but there’s a LOT to learn in a small amount of time. The fact that I’m learning something struck home over Thanksgiving break when I was able to correctly diagnosis one of the ER patients as having COPD and in another case, correctly read a blood gas. (note this was practice, I wasn’t actually involved in any patient care).

Physical Diagnosis I – This honestly was the most fun class I think. Here’s where we actually put hands on bodies (in a consensual way of course). 5 credits, so also important. Whereas Medicine I is a lot of theory, this is more practice. Unfortunately in both practicals my brain skipped a beat and I forgot to perform some of the required exams. But I did well enough. I enjoyed this class and am looking to the follow-up next semester.

Pharmacology and Therapeutics II – this is my Achilles Heel. For me, this is my hardest class. I walked out of the first exam convinced I had failed it. Ironically it was my second best grade in the class. This class is hard for me because it’s basically a LOT of rote memorization. Something that honestly at my age I find harder. It is reassuring that one of my mentors, a triple-board certified ED attending (with one certification in toxicology) admits she has to look up pharm stuff all the time. This is one class I’m NOT looking forward to for the Spring. But I’ve already given some thought about how to tackle it a bit differently and hopefully do better. Only 3 credits, but it’s the biggest drag on my GPA.

Behavioral Health – Honestly, one of the easier classes for me. Some of it was simply “common sense” or stuff I had learned over five decades of living. Some of it was stuff that I honestly had learned working in the ER. I don’t plan on going into this field, but the skills I learned will be helpful in the ER settings I hope to find myself in. 3 credits here.

Diagnostics and Clinical Procedures I – Another class I really enjoyed and found fairly easy, in part because of my ED experience. There’s a few times I’d have to remind myself that what I learned in the ED was not always the same as what the class expected. But it’s a good class. I look forward to the next part in the spring. One area that I did particularly well in was EKGs. Again, experience in the ED, plus some of my own self-education, as well as RPI math and physics helped. Only 3 credits, but sort of countered my Pharm grade. I have one last test to go. This should be the hardest of the tests in this class.

Evidence Based Practice – This class a mixed bag. I referred to it as our version of the “Defense against the Dark Arts”. It is in my mind, actually one of the more important classes we’re taking. A lot of it is focused on why and how we do certain things, i.e. what’s the evidence for certain practices. It’s not something that can be taught “in the field.” (which honestly, a lot of the above classes can be to an extent.) There’s important stuff in this class. For example, we examined the original “Wakefield” paper that sort of started the “Autism is caused by vaccines” movement (hint the paper is terrible on several standards and actually doesn’t come out and say that.) I knew I was old when none of my classmates recognized the name of former Dr. Wakefield. But the structure of the class left many of us a bit frustrated. This was apparently true last year and they had restructured it for this year. My understanding was even two years ago had issues (hence my DaDA comment above). I’m doing great in the class, so it’s not a matter of sour grapes. But I do hope they find an even better way to teach this class to future cohorts. Only 2 credits because of the amount of work, but an important 2 credits I think.

Professional Practice II – another important class. This is about how to be a PA. This is the other class the same paper is due in. I’m doing great in it, but being only 1 credit, doesn’t influence my overall GPA at all.

So that’s my semester in the books. What’s Spring look like?

  • Medicine II – 6 credits this time – more of the above
  • Physical Diagnosis II – 3 credits this time – more of the above
  • Pharmacology and Therapeutics III – 3 credits – Hope to do better this time
  • Clinical Decision Making in Primary Care – 3 credits – This will be less multiple choice and more written answers so should be interesting
  • Diagnostics and Clinical Procedures II Certification – 3 credits – One detail here, is I get ACLS certified. Which means in theory I can run a cardiac code. In practice I can’t because I don’t have my PA certification
  • Emergency Medicine – 3 credits – Ironically, because of my experience, I expect this to be a difficult class. Not because of the material but because I’ll definitely have to separate what I learned and saw from what they are testing us on.
  • Surgery – 3 credits – I look forward to this. As a PA I can’t do surgery without supervision, but I will be able to assist and I will be able to do things like sutures, etc. So this should be fun.
  • Professional Practice III – 1 credit – more of the same.

If you do the math, you’ll see it’s another 25 credits. Then on to clinical rotations which I’ll write more about in the future.

Overcoming the Scarcity Mindset

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I realized years ago, that at times, I’m driven by what I might call a scarcity mindset. This isn’t just being frugal, but that’s definitely part of it. I don’t like wasting things. I can often be frugal. I’ve been known to drive the extra mile to save a penny a gallon on a tank of gas. I’ll buy in bulk often when I can.

No, the scarcity mindset to me is more of a “don’t let something to go to waste because you don’t know when you’ll be able to replace it.” Coupled with this, is “don’t buy something you won’t fully use.” That’s partly where the frugality mindset comes into play.

The above is a photo of green foam blocks that a florist might use. It’s an example of an early manifestation of my scarcity mindset. When I was a kid, I’m guessing around 6 or 7, I got my hands on one. I’m guessing it was left over from one my of aunt’s weddings. In any case, all I knew was I had one. And I didn’t know where to get more. I didn’t necessarily have a use for it. But because I only had the one, I didn’t dare use it or handle it too much, lest I wanted it later on for some more important reason. To this idea I have no idea what that reason that might have been, but still I didn’t use it. It was scarce to me. Why I never asked my mom where more could be found I’ll never know. Instead I simply held on to it. I never did end up using it and at some point it was lost. Now, of course years later, I know where I could get as many as I need or can afford.

But that mindset has stuck with me. I realized that earlier this semester when I decided I wanted to go old-school and start taking notes on some 3″x5″ index cards I had. I must have grabbed some from my office in New York before I moved into my apartment and set up my study area here. I started taking notes on them, but I was parsimonious at first since I only had 50 of them. Of course I knew where I could get more, but I didn’t have the time and I wasn’t sure how many I really wanted to buy. I finally went on to Amazon one night and realized I could buy a package of 500 for under $8.00. I of course being frugal, hunted for the least expensive pack of 500 I could find. But even then I resisted. “What if I don’t use them all? That’s a waste.” But I realized that $8.00 was a small drop in the bucket of my educational expenses and if they helped me pass some tests, it was a wise investment. And counter to that, if I didn’t spend $8.00 and failed a test, that wouldn’t be a wise savings. I’ll add that I’m now on my second pack of 500 and I’ve bought a dozen different index card boxes to hold them grouped by test and or subject.

There have been a few other items I resisted ponying up money for for school. One example is a subscription to ChatGPT. I at first tried to be frugal and use the free model, but I’d hit limits on usage. I’d question myself if it was worth paying the $23/month it would cost for a subscription. Now months later, I’m so glad I ponied up.

At times I still resist using something because “I don’t know how I’ll replace it” or “is it worth the cost of replacing it” but I’m overcoming that. Within limits, I’m trying to get into the mindset that yes, spending a bit of money here and there to drive the mission forward is worth it. Don’t be pennywise and pound foolish. The mission here of course is graduating PA school and having enough retained knowledge to pass the PANCE exam.

I’m still working on overcoming some of these built-in mindsets and that’s one of them.

Half-way, Quarter-way, Some-way

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Most of the members of my PA school cohort are in a group chat. It was in this chat I received one of the better messages lately: “Today marks the halfway point of our didactic year!!” Now, this is a two year program, so it also marks approximately the one-quarter mark of our progress (the schedule for the clinical year is a bit more complex). In either case, it was a nice landmark to reach, especially considering that in 9 days we had 5 tests. And of that 9 days, 2 were the weekend. Of the 5 tests, 3 were, at least for me, particularly difficult. I passed all of them, one just barely. So it’s fair to say it’s been a particularly stressful part of the semester. Now it’s Friday night and I’m relaxing and starting to plan out how to finish up the rest of the semester.

I mentioned in a previous post about life being on hold. And often I still feel that way. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times I have doubts about continuing on for the next half or three-quarters. It’s not about the grades. While I’d like to be doing a bit better, the truth is, based on what my professors tell me and what I’ve read, I’m well prepared for my clinicals next year and for eventually passing the PANCE. I rarely have doubts about my ability to get where I want to go.

What I wonder at times is a more existential question: Is it worth it? I’ve reflected upon this a bit in the past. I’ll be 59 by the time I become a PA. I know I’m going to enjoy it. But, for how long will I enjoy it? How long do I need to enjoy it to make two years of my life and over a $100,000 worth it? In terms of economic investment, while I haven’t done the math, I think if I had simply continued as an ED Tech for these two years and then three additional years and retired at 62 I’d be better off financially. In terms of time committed to something, I certainly could have worked far fewer hours in IT than the time I’m spending in school or as an ED Tech and come out ahead financially and in terms of leisure time.

So, unlike my classmates, who statistically will spend much of their career as a PA, I’ll spend perhaps 10 years as one. In terms of finances, it’s probably not the greatest career choice this late in life. In terms of work-life balance, at least for two years, it’s definitely not a great choice. I have no real work-life balance for now.

But you know what? Even with those doubts, I’m still confident I’m on the right course. I really enjoy medicine. While sometimes I’m frustrated, especially about pharmacy, I enjoy what I’m learning. I enjoy the problem solving that goes into making a diagnosis. I enjoy the work I know that will be involved. It will be worth it.

I’ll have my doubts at times. I’ll have the exams I’m sure I’m about to fail and I might even fail one or two (several professors have told me, “everyone fails at least one exam in PA school, I did.”). But I’ll get there. I’m half-way through the didactic year and about one quarter of the way through the whole process. Some way, I’ll finish it and be able to add PA-C after my name. I can’t wait.

The Dude Doesn’t Abide…

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I also don’t hate The Eagles. But they were on my mind this morning.

I was putting my contacts in when I realized the t-shirt I was wearing was from an event in 2011. That was 14 years ago. 2011 was a pivotal year for me. It’s when I semi-voluntarily left the job I had had in Washington DC for 4.5 years. I spent some time trying to decide what to do next and came up with the idea for QuiCR. It never became what I wanted, but I learned a lot about myself through that experience.

14 years though I realized was both a long time ago and a time that seems so near. I have a hard time comprehending that so many years have passed since then but also so seemingly quickly.

So what has this got to do with The Eagles? For some reason I have distinct memories of being in art-class in elementary school and drawing while Fly Like an Eagle was playing in the background and the line “Time keeps on slipping into the future” sticks in my mind. Now you’re probably thinking, “but Greg, that’s the Steve Miller Band” and you’d be right. But excuse me if my brain conflated the title of the song with the band The Eagles and hence we’re here.

Time keeps on slipping into the future and I can’t abide that. I’ve mentioned before how I feel a bit dichotomous about my age.

Ironically, one could argue that time slipped back an hour last night, but in reality that’s only our marking of time. Time itself still slipped into the future.

So I sit here, trying to gather thoughts into a coherent blog post, when I know I should be studying for this week’s tests (another pharm one, my 3rd, fortunately my second was even better than my first, so it looks like I’ll do ok in this class) as time continues to slip into the future.

I can’t abide it because there’s so much I want to do and realizing so little time left to do it.

So please, someone discover the fountain of youth. (or even the fountain of yutes).

“Life, Please Hold”

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My fellow students and I just completed what some called a week from hell. Two of our hardest test. Well for me one wasn’t too bad, but the other was on Pharmacology, and I’ll be honest, that is NOT my strong suite. On Monday night, I literally was trembling because I was sure I was going to fail the exam. Now I could fail it and still pass the others and be fine for staying in school. But if I failed it and any others in that class, odds would be high that my PA school effort would come to an end. But, it turns out I passed and honestly did better than I had even dare hope for. So one Pharm exam down, three to go. The next one I don’t expect to be nearly as bad, which does help.

And now, I have a 5 day weekend. It couldn’t come at a better time. We all needed the break before heading into the rest of the semester. We actually have more exams in the last half of the semester than the first, so it won’t be a walk in the park, but at least we have a breather here. But then we pick up the pace again.

A few weekends ago I had to miss a square dance event that I’ve been to for several years. I haven’t had the opportunity to do some of my favorite fall hikes in New York and New England.

Back from 2007 to 2011, I had a job in Washington DC that kept me away from home quite a bit. But even with that I was generally home 3 out of every 4 weekends. So not only was I seeing my family on a regular basis, i was able to get out on weekend hikes, go caving once in awhile and in general catch up with friends and the like. Yes, I wasn’t as active locally as I would have liked to be, but I felt like life was moving on. I could also take vacations when I wanted.

But now? Life is on hold. Other than scheduled breaks during or between semesters and a quick trip home for a family memorial, I haven’t taken a break and won’t have many in the future. Much of every day is spent studying. Even my weekends have been spent studying. I am actually spending much of this 5 day weekend studying and catching up.

So for about 24 months of my life, 2 whole years, my life is on hold. As much as I’d love to see many of you and do fun things, please understand, my life is on hold.

But did you die?

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Some of my friends, especially caver ones, may recognize that quote. I saw it on a bumper sticker today. Often it’s said after someone tells a story about some harrowing caving or hiking trip. “But did you die?” Well you’re telling the story, so obviously not, so it’s all good.

But while biking I saw it today and it reminded me that my existence is but a brief second in the so far 15 billion year history of the universe. Some unique set of circumstances overcame quantum disturbances and locally countered the Second Law of Thermodynamics and I came into existence. At some point my consciousness will flicker out and the universe will carry on. But in the meantime, I am alive. I am here. I exist. And I will enjoy every moment of that existence. I will rejoice in the dancing of cosmic dust that has come together for this brief moment to create me.

Someday I will die. But for now, did I die? No, I revel in life!

The Changing Size of the World

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I was reflecting earlier how the size of my “world” has changed over time.

When I was an infant, I didn’t know of a world beyond my crib. But as I got older, the world got bigger. While I have memories of going between Storrs and Falls Village CT, I think my first realization of a bigger world was when I followed some older boys in the housing complex in Storrs and ended up lost (I suspect they probably ditched me since who wants the 4yo following them around and ruining your fun when you’re 8 years old.) That ended up with a happy ending as a stranger found me and quite literally drove around asking if I recognized my apartment building. Apparently I did. I can’t imagine that scenario playing out today. That said, well before I can remember, my parents did do a trial move to California, but I don’t count that in my awareness, though I have a vague memory of me brushing my teeth while sitting on the tailgate of the Scout which I suspect was from one of the early road trips my dad and mom did.

When I was a bit older, I recall going to New York City with my parents and being confused because somehow I had gotten the idea that a city was bigger than a state and couldn’t figure out how New York City could be IN New York State. But even then, my world consisted mostly of trips to New Haven, CT to see my paternal grandparents and Bennington VT to see my maternal ones. And then there was the occasional trip to Boston to see my aunt and uncle (technically half-aunt, but there was never anything half about Aunt Sue).

At one point, I want to say when I was seven or so, I know I did a trip with my parents to Cape Code and to Bar Harbor ME. My world was getting bigger.

A few years later, a very different trip to Bar Harbor and then the Cape. That ended well but didn’t start so well.

Then a few years after that my world jumped in size. My dad and his then girlfriend and her daughter (four years my junior) and I travelled first to the Grand Canyon and Havasu Canyon. Suddenly I was outside the comfort of the northeast. And I loved it.

There were a few trips to Florida in there too, including my first time flying alone.

A few years after that I went to St. Croix USVI with my dad. My first long flight over water.

Years later I accompanied my paternal grandmother (my grandfather having passed on years previously) to the UK for my cousin’s wedding. Again, my world had expanded.

The NCRC has also helped expand my world due to having training all over the country.

And over the years, including this one, I have been back to the Grand Canyon three times since and have with the family seen much of the west coast, the Rockies and more.

And pre-Covid, the family and I visited the UK, France, and Belgium. My world continued to grow.

Going forward, I’m sure I’ll see more of the world.

And yet, in some ways, my world has shrunk and for a sad reason.

Other than a couple of brief trips to or through, I haven’t been to New Haven since my grandmother’s memorial.

I still go to Bennington, because my mom is there, but even then there’s a bit I don’t go to, my grandparent’s house. It’s no longer in the family since they’ve passed.

I’ll go to Boston again, but not as frequently since my aunt has died.

And I have yet to go back to Falls Village, ever since my closing out my dad’s estate. That one is just too hard, even years later.

You’ll note there’s a theme to the places I’m less likely to visit. And it’s one that I expect to become more common as I age.

So the world is bigger than ever and I’m still exploring it (as my spring road trip shows) but ironically in some ways, it’s grown a bit smaller. And that saddens me.

And so it goes.

“Remote DBA Wanted”

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Since I have not really deactivated or updated my LinkedIn profile, I still get emails and the occasional text tempting me with a job offer of some sort. And as I sit here, trying to contemplate my study plans for the night and weekend, I have to say the idea of responding to one of them is appealing. For one thing, the money would be far better. Instead of burning through savings, I’d be building savings back up.

But the truth be told, that thought is only a fleeting one. Firstly, I’ve been away from active DBA work for a couple of years now. I’d have to take time to come up to speed and that would be stressful in and of itself. But also, ultimately I suspect I’d be bored or frustrated again.

And there are definitely nights I miss working as a Tech in the ED. Yeah, there were shifts I hated, but overall I enjoyed it. However, I’ll still pick up some over holidays over the course of the next year. That should sate some of my desire.

My biggest doubts come on nights like tonight where the doubts creep into my head. One of my classmates has tracked how many tests and quizzes we’ve had and the approximate number left in our didactic year. I don’t know the number, but it’s up there. Each one brings a new period of stress. And of course, after our didactic year comes our clinical year, 10 rotations, 4 weeks each. Not only will I be stressed about each area I’ll be assigned to, I may often have to figure out housing for that period of time (and how to pay for it!)

But I remind myself, that it’ll be worth it. That the ED is where I want to be, and while I think I’ve done a lot of good as a Tech, I hope to do even more as a PA.

But those regular hours, and higher pay, they are tempting. Just not like they used to.

F’ Cancer

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This year I’ve lost two people close to me. Both died of cancer. Their deaths have hit me in different ways. Both were linked to each other and to me through caving.

I obliquely referred to the first in a post earlier this year. Don Paquette was a friend, colleague and mentor. His intensity could easily fill a room. As an instructor, he was quick to let you know where you stood. I know some thought he might be overly harsh or strict or that he might have unreasonable standards. But the truth is, he simply wanted everyone to try their best. He didn’t necessarily expect everyone to be perfect in the skills taught. But if he thought you could do better, he’d push you to do so. And deep down, he cared.

Don was known for judging how well students would lay out the gear cache during training. He felt strongly that a well laid out gear cache was a key part of a well-run and organized rescue. In the last few years of his life, when he couldn’t make it to training, I’d text him a photo of a cache and wait for his grade so I could report back to students.

Don might give this a B on a good day

He also was an advocate of what some might call a “Command Voice”. A command voice was more than simply being louder than the rest, it was a tone that caught your attention, made you listen, and moreover, want to to do what was asked.

And that’s where Cordelia Ross enters the picture, or Cordie as we all knew her. I first recall meeting Cordie at the NCRC weeklong in Indiana in 2009. I was helping to teach the Level 2 class, along with Don, while Cordie was taking it. During much of the week, Don kept encouraging Cordie to be a bit louder and more commanding. This wasn’t exactly Cordie’s style however.

Cordie is on the left

We were doing an exercise in Sullivan Cave. The students weren’t quite as organized as they could have been, but as one of the goals of Level 2 is to teach leadership, we as instructors were sitting back letting things unfold to see how the students would cope and if they’d organize themselves.

And then it happened. From the top of the breakdown pile we heard a loud and commanding voice: “Stop!” Everyone, and I mean everyone, including the instructors, stopped what they were doing and waited for instructions to come forth. I recall looking up at Cordie who then, in a much quieter but forceful tone started to direct her fellow students on what to do next. It took us instructors a second to realize that she wasn’t giving us commands. But her voice had been so commanding for an instant, had she given us instructions, we would have no doubt followed them. We liked to joke that Cordie had found her command voice. But she made it clear, she hadn’t found it, she simply had used the one she had had all along, but held in reserve until the right time. I tend to think she was right. After that Don never again gave her any flack about her lack of command voice.

That episode with Cordie really personified her to me. She was a petite woman, often surrounded by firefighters and cavers twice her size. But she was the mouse that could roar. Many might describe her as quiet, but that wasn’t true. When she did speak, it was with authenticity and power. Many might underestimate her, but never more than once.

In my final visit with Don, we talked about many things, including our times instructing fellow cavers. He reminded me of a time where we played a prank on a set of students on a haul team. He had a deep sense of humor. His death was tough and I grieved and still grieve for him, but also know that having lived into his 70s he had lived a good life. He had seen his kids grown and even watched his grandkids grow up. We often talked about his travels with his family on Amtrak. While I know he would have loved to live longer and had more to do, he expressed no regrets to me. He led a good life.

Cordie’s death though strikes a deeper chord. Her family was just starting. Just over a year ago she had given birth to her daughter, Viola. Her cancer diagnosis was a surprise and sadly didn’t give her enough time in this world. Her husband Wayne now has the unenviable task of being what some might call a “single father”. Technically that may be true, but I know there is a whole community out there that will help him. And much of that community will help Viola know the woman who was her mother. Whereas Don had much to look back on, Cordie had so much to look forward to. Cordie looked forward to being a mother and I suspect far down the road, a grandmother. She had so much she wished to teach Viola. And Viola, sadly will never grow up truly knowing her mother. The world is a smaller place because of Cordie’s untimely death.

Whereas Don and I talked Amtrak and travels, Cordie and I discussed New England (because she had gone to school at Dartmouth) and literature. Both were people to whom I had a connection far more than simply caving or cave rescue. Both are people that I dearly wish I could sit down with at least one more time and talk to.

Both I will miss but in different ways.

And for both, I say fuck cancer.